mai_da_wei

Now i know why i have been feeling this sense of uneasiness over the past 2 weeks, especially today... so much ministry activity and success... but as i think about it, the name of Jesus was rarely mentioned... the gratitude towards our loving Saviour was sorely missing...

When gratitude towards the loving, grace-filled Saviour is not expressed, something is just 'wrong' about the thing.... i dunnoe how to further describe this... but the sense of emptiness in the thing we do just eats into you... it becomes OUR plans, OUR desires, OUR work...

Thank You Lord as i once again recall how u took me from emptiness and established me on the plane of acceptance and sanity!! :) You ARE love! YOU are love!! You are LOVE!!!

It's really become clearer.

That focusing on perfecting one's life is warped and unhappy. It gives much room to breathe and live at the same time.

And focusing more on who Jesus is and what He did on the Cross seem to take much more heartfelt significance.

But the human heart always strives to manufacture and manipulate even truths for personal assurance when actually these are the very things belonging to the realm of the Divine to handle.

I'm kinda enjoying and not enjoying this re-perspective and re-wiring of my core belief-system. It's hard to describe.

On a different note, I'm also now experiencing being a full-time worker in Singapore Cru in a very different light. In the past, it was a lot about validating my calling, seeing God's call, seeing His faithful provision. As one grows older on staff, human relations actually can come in as a defining factor in molding the environment to leave or stay. The lack of resonance and the need to see courageous faith (that sense of adventure that people around you CAN actually embody) sometimes do shift my gaze to elsewhere.

But shifting my gaze to the one who calls me makes the most sense of all. And i think this is the wisdom to stay longer on staff. Gaze and take orders only from the One who calls and who can enable the called. And the excitingly sweet and paradoxically painful thing is that i'm starting to get this principle as i stay longer on in Singapore Cru...

All the more need to pray and seek the Lord's face in all of these...



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2 lines from 2 separate songs really touched my heart this week:


"As I seek You, You will find me, as I seek You, You will find me... As You draw me to Yourself, Yes You draw me to Yourself... "

- from Darlene Zschech's song, Face to Face ...

and....

"I see You pierced, wounded for me, when I look to the cross I see - I see grace sealed by Your sacrifice,
I see love reaching for me.... Precious blood, washes and sanctifies, healing flows, setting me free.. "

- from New Creation Church, I See Grace


On Wednesday, God was speaking to my heart - "你给人的爱是个自怜自爱的爱" ... and i think it is an answer to my question to God as to why do i love so poorly... because all i see is myself, my lack, my needs... my eyes have been turned to ME....

Do I see Him pierced, wounded for me? Do I see that as I seek Him, it really is Him drawing me to Himself, all-ready to be found?

Do I see grace sealed by Christ's sacrifice for me? Or all I see is injustice done to me, neglect by loved ones, personal weaknesses?


When we look to the Cross of Christ, we can never say His love has never been trying to reach us. We live meagre lives because we forget the brutality of the Cross and our useless self-reliance that He needed to die.


What are you seeing? What am I seeing?

A scene from an old Jap drama still grips me. The drama was some 24-hr Emergency Room drama... dealing with so many themes on dying and living. In that particular scene, an old lady patient was voicing her hope for her ward-mate, a very young girl, in coma, to live. In her speech, she said that the young girl should be given a chance to live, to grow up, to fall in love, and live life in all its flavours and journeys..

I am thankful for life. I'm thankful to be around to do stuff with friends, attend weddings, attend camps, read books. I am fully aware that experiencing the good and bad of life is a blessing on its own. Having breath to taste life's flavours is breathtaking on its own. Moments of a glorious sunset or peaks over the clouds are little icing the cake of life.

I've been through mainly emotional crap and emptiness. What more can i ask for when my parents' are still happily married in a generation of broken homes? I've only mainly been a victim of personal ambition and loneliness in social awkwardness. Starkly, more disappointments than pain. I survived. I can't say that i am grateful to a God who solves my problems like how He vividly came through in a major way for many glorified examples.

It's a struggle to remain upbeat about 'Him' all the time. Does He really know? Does He really care?

Sometimes these questions are hard to answer. Sometimes these questions are answered in a insistent tone - " 'He' must be there!" Sometimes these questions are answered with more theorizing than it was really needed, confusing both the profess-ers and the audience.

I am guilty of all the above. To make sense of faith is an insane thing to do. It takes excruciating amounts of courage to climb the Everest. "Believe me, you've got to believe He's here in a believable way!" sounds like more of a plea for sanity and purpose than a rock solid proclamation of His Presence.

But you know what, amidst all these years of going through emptiness, pain, disappointments, depression, i know God has been journeying with me through all these. You know His quiet, assuring companionship is there when: you think you are journeying through all these alone, yet deep in your heart, you know you aren't. - Do you know that sense within your heart, that there really is a BIGGER sense of purpose and BIGGER sense of presence?

I was never alone. Looking back, my lonely moments were the deepest assurances I had of His journeying with me. In those times, His gentle and mostly invisible "touches" gave me the strength within to take one more step, one more step, one more step ...

Perhaps our individual 'survival stories' are the best traces of Him in our lives, and it was meant to be this way - not pain-free, but flavourful.. because in each human breath, is a potential for beauty and for pain - either ways we will see traces of our Maker, deep within our hearts... deep within our hearts..






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I was pretty inspired by an article written today on Toyo Ito, and his design philosophy... He mentioned that well-designed architecture is like a tree... meaning somehow it evolved and takes on a life of its own... (Toyo Ito designed Vivocity in Singapore and many other good architecture) ...

Beautiful philosophy... i think this is good design - simple, yet not spartan and meaningless minimalistic... but rather, the experience with the design goes through a thoughtful process of thinking and engaging along with the designer.

ie. Good design is not simply looking nice... rather than provoke, it should invoke. Rather than scream, it invites contemplation in the subtlety of using.

Christian institutions usually utilizes mass media (print and multimedia) to communicate ideas and their many events.... I've seen mostly loud ones... at most, tasteful ones. Created to work and achieve its purpose/ objectives. Nothing wrong with that. As long as it looks nice, it's a bonus!

I think the Gospel has had enough re-packaging to last us a few years, so i guess the Gospel is not in dire need of a re-design anytime soon. The message itself is:

1. not meant to be popular anyways.
2. is profoundly simple and simply profound already - beautiful in idea and ideal, any change would warp it to a cultic babble.

But yet current-day Christians and Christianity, by and large, leaves a very bland aftertaste in general upon interaction with them at church (i still attend church by-the-way, so, i'm not the church-cynic you have in mind). The interaction is not as rich in flavour as experiencing a fantastic architecture or good product (Perhaps architecture and products are more direct - it is in the user-experience, we always say).

I think our expectation of a Christian life is loud and naive, like a usual church publication design. We expect either fanfare, emotional-stirring, or for it to communicate a certain sense of tastefulness. After which - blandness. It promises promise - but what's after the promise if it is all people are wishing for?

When we live the Christian life, even though not comfortable, the simplicity and profoundness should resonate from my lifestyle and my expressions - whether it's in the things i do or say. Just like a well-placed button or well-thought out architecture.

I firmly believe the the experience of beauty is universal. Subjectivity according to the individual and context may affect the boundaries of beauty - but the experience of beauty should invoke the same kind of internal resonance.

Such should be the experience of the Christian life, or Gospel-centred life.

Before my argument takes on a monastic slant, i really should stop. :)

Have a beautiful weekend. :)

i walked past the open green field near my home just now.. i heard the sounds of the migrant workers playing rhythms on their drums.... and i walked past a row of shophouses in which one of the apartments were singing a song in unison together..... and i suddenly had this thought that God is in all of this. God is in all of this tapestry of community and expression....

God is with us. The God who promises to be with us and walks among us.

I find great comfort in this revelation as i reflected upon the season of life i am in now... and it seems surprising and overwhelming that the Lord wants me to notice Him in people and in my surroundings.... I mean - "Hey God, don't you know i'm going through a tough time, and shouldn't you answer to the point?" ... Instead, He let me see how He is intricately involved in our lives...

God knows. God sees.

And probably this is the greatest comfort we can take in a world that seems rampant with injustice and hardship.

It is in trying times, the Evil One tries to tell us, "God doesn't care." "God won't supply all of your needs." "God's love does not endure." ...

God cares. God loves. His love endures forever.

His love endures forever and ever - much longer than how that Old Serpent can endure and persist in his rampage on earth.

God sees. God loves. God Emmanuel.

Jesus - the one who cared enough to stretch out His arm to touch and care, despite His status as a God. Such then is worthy to be called our Lord, our God.



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Proactiveness + Purposeful Vision + Simplicity of Idea + Powerful Communication = Impact + Influence




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Preparing to teach for a basic evangelism course on campus.... there's this topic that talks about 'Reaching Your Generation' ... and i'm starting to wonder if the church is ready for the new generation that is upcoming..

I live in a generation after the Baby-Busters (who are after the Baby-Boomers) ... and it's already a generation when relationships are fragmented and found wanting, especially within dysfunctional families... The trait of the generation after me is even more desperate for genuine and real and deep relationships..

How unfamiliar does that sound to most churches here? Most relationships in churches are skin-deep - regardless of big or small churches... Reading Eugene Peterson's book, The Jesus Way made me think a lot... Peterson kept on driving at how Jesus was so real and so relational and loving when He was on earth as a human.... he kept on contrasting Jesus with the other's (Herod, Pharisees, Caiaphas, the Zealots etc etc) in the way they executed their spirituality...

It's all about relationships.

We can never do discipleship without love and time. Without either, discipleship will only be as skin-deep as the relationships. Leaders can only disciple when there's a network of relationships that's solid and self-giving. Otherwise, it's as tough as ascending Everest in leading other's..

I remember clearly and distinctly the discipleship moments in my life all took place when someone took time and effort to care for me and speak into my life. The specific lunch or dinner someone ate with me and encouraged me, corrected me. Precious precious moments. In my context, all of this discipleship came from Cru and i'm pretty grateful - which sometimes really do make me wonder if i were not in Cru, how much of nurturing and Christ-like-discipleship would i have..... ? ...

I think it simply cheapens the whole deal when e say 'Well, it just takes place naturally... If such moments happen, they happen. If they don't happen, they don't happen.' We have to be intentional to care and love someone....

Sometimes i really have to check my heart if my criticism of "relationship-less discipleship" come from my personal 'fractured-ness' or because it really is a genuine weakness for the Church.... No doubt, some of these criticisms come from the former, but as i encounter more and more young people simply longing for some older folks to step in to intentionally love and guide, i am seriously wondering if the Church understands her poverty in building an ecclesia of deep&genuine relationships?!

A life-transforming, self-giving kind of ecclesia will not only pull people in... it will push people out to love the people around them and be the Gospel to others.... Because the fullness of the love within them, which has overwhelmed their 'fractured-ness' will also similarly overwhelm into the lives around them....

That is why, it's hard to talk about discipleship these days. The relationship/ genuine-deep-personal-touch factor is sorely missing. Any great program will be an apple-crumble crust.




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Heavy-hearted. Tired.

This morning, after hearing the news of a colleague's health condition and a few other bad news, i suddenly felt the whole weight of being in ministry... And having emerged from a staff camp that talked about reaching the whole Singapore students with the Gospel, i had tremendous tremendous awareness of what I am involved in... in fact, as i'm typing this, I really do not feel like doing anything else but to spend some time to process the inner struggles within me....

Perhaps i'm also counting the cost of being involved in full-time Christian work... Perhaps i'm also discouraged .... Perhaps i'm also getting a little zapped of energy of convincing others about many things ... Perhaps i'm also tired of the typical Christian response to anything negative and bad.... Perhaps Christian encouragement just dun seem to encourage anymore.....

I really have to take my hat off Nehemiah.... How he stuck on to his convictions and mission despite discouragements.... What's even more mind-blowing was how he stuck on even though God didn't speak clearly or gave him a problem-less mission - Nehemiah still recognised God's hand was behind it all and God was sovereign....

And of course, I have to admit, the one whom i was named after, showed greater resilience and faith in the midst of FRIENDS WANTING TO KILL HIM due to their intense emotions... in 1 Samuel 30:6, King David encouraged and strengthened himself in the Lord His God...

I think He is the only place we can find true consolation and encouragement in our hearts wen things don't turn out that well.... While i can crave for more attention of others towards my problems and hold a pity-party with them, I know He knows and His care is what i need truly....

What does it mean to 'encourage ourselves in the Lord our God'? Well.... I think it is:

1. Remembering who God is...

2. Worship Him for who He is

3. Let our every emotion be known to Him

4. Wait for any promptings in our hearts that's from Him...

5. Mourn silently or out-loud if need be in times of intense grief/ heaviness....


God, take my heaviness of heart this day..... in your Son's most precious and holy name i pray this....



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It is easy for me to be overwhelmed by sense of loneliness and lack of mentorship sometimes. It really hits home when faced with difficult discipleship/ ministry issues (and a raw nerve is hit)... and the blame-game starts -

"No one discipled me properly or mentored me properly, it's those older men who caused me to be who I am now!"

Unjustified. Unreasonable. Reckless. The face of my insecurities is definitely beastly.


今天的短暂宁静让我感动了，也'忏悔'了。。


So, today, i want to remember and give thanks for the various men in my life who have made a profound impact in my life... and not complain about the lack of mentorship.... God has indeed blessed me with many many male models, but these are the ones who have made a deep mark in my life-journey....


Mr. Lam was the first older man in my life to teach me the intricate journey of my inward heart.... He dared to speak words that challenge my thinking and even words that offend.... He's the first person whom i unveiled a dark side of my life to, and didn't judge me in the days i was most judgmental... He's also the first person who introduced me to Henri Nouwen and now as i looked back, without spending that season with him, i'd never have taken the courage to come face to face with the dungeons within....


Mr. Zhang was my first and only student discipler that i had... He taught me how to be real, and he taught me how to love.... He's the only guy who took the effort to give each of his friend and disciple a zip-loc-bag exam pack..... he's also the first older guy who wrote a personal note to me and he never held back on his encouragements... To date, i still keep one of his encouragement card in my wallet, as a rememberance of someone showed me how to love.


Mr. Liew was the first and only discipler to date who brought me out to do some 'guy' thing - camping... He brought all the DG guys out for a time in Ubin.... It was probably my first campfire and through it, we learnt the profound lesson of perseverance... it was my first experience of discipleship through a common activity... To date, i still long for times to be out in the wild camping with a bunch of friends i love and treasure... Even as i come on staff, he will meet me up over summits to catch up on what's been happening in my life and his life... He is also the first guy in my life to offer a hug of comfort & assurance, when i was starting to deal with critical heart issues...


Mr. Wong often makes cameo appearances in my discipleship journey... he was there with me at the start of my first consideration to full-time ministry..... a usually extremely private person, sharing his own heart journey with me..... and also the one who told me to accept myself for ALL of my past, not just for the good times, because the bad times also shaped me to be who I am today........


He was also there when i was the first year as a trained staff in NTU, providing the 'big brother' presence at the far west end of civilisation.... He taught me to have a balanced lifestyle, a non-achievements, non-task-based, non-busy kind of lifestyle.... He showed me what it means to cut down and not over-busy myself with nothing... He dares to speak into my life and i remember how recently he told me i was not 'teachable' ... i think it takes some kind of guts to tell me this stuff... thankful for his guts....


I first saw Mr. Khoo from my sis's student pictures in NTU.. His wedding invite-postcard lingered on our common study table due to the siblings' perpetual procrastination to tidy the table.. :) ... so, in a way, have been staring at his face for eons ;) .... Through some divine arrangement, he became my coach in my training-staff year (he is now my mentor=D).... through our journey together, he not only taught me ministry skills, he mentored my heart, with his characteristic gentleness..... He is probably the only one who can rebuke me with such tact and gentleness that only at the end of our conversations, then i realised he was 'scolding' me in his loving way -________-ll, a way that keeps this hedgehog tame....


He has never aimed to be the 'perfect Christian'/ 'perfect mentor' .... he was as real as a plate of char tau kuay .... we shared each other's struggles and fears .... His nuggets of simple truth, simple advice gave my complicated brain some form of bearing... I'll never forget his assuring "David, no matter what, you must always remember that God has reserved the best (girl) for you." ... and he had to repeat like 3 times... -______-ll... He is the one who bravely and gently steered me to take a pro-active step to look into one BIG GIANT within... i don't just need a gentle mentor... i need someone bold to do what's needful... he was both....


Looking back, God really didn't just use these 5 wonderful brothers to shape me... I remember Mr. Ng, Mr. Ang and Mr. Teo who often offer sharp, pin-point advice in life.... i remember Mr. Wong, who came for my SOLEAD grad and prayed for me, and that totally blew my heart away..... i remember Mr. Soh and two Mr. Phua-s who blew me away with their encouraging SMSes, emails and prayers for me ..... i remember Mr. Lee for the strangely-timely yahoo chats.... and also Mr. Yap who gave valuable perspectives in leading the CG...etc etc...


人真的不是孤立的动物。。we're the sum of many people's efforts and influence...


今天的我竟然是那么多人耕耘的成果。。虽没亲哥哥， 但这一切也算 more than 足够了。。。


天父，我太莽撞了。。you are faithful, you have always provided, but i was quite blind...


To all the guys who have made a difference in my life - Thank you. :)



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